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emo me

When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour spent together
Lives within my heart

And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears
And when was happy so was I
When she loved me

Through the summer and the fall
We had each other that was all
Just she and I together
Like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me

So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say I will always love you

Lonely and forgotten
Never thought she'd look my way
And she smiled at me and held me
Just like she use to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me

When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour spent together
Lives within my heart
When she loved me

*Randy Newman can break my heart every time. I miss Amber. It's been over 14 years since I've seen her face.

one is the loneliest number

first time since 1999 I didn't see jonathan for Christmas.

well that was quick

we got invited to a cookout tomorrow at the mother in laws house before the bulk of relatives go home. weirdness..........
but we will go. be good for the boys to see some of their "Other"family

saw this online

Today is Mother’s Day.

For many people that means flowers and handmade cards and brunches and hugs and laughter. It means celebration and gratitude and rejoicing.

But for some it just means tears.

For many moms and adult children out there, this day is a stark unsolicited reminder of what was but no longer is, or it is a heavy holiday of mourning what never was at all.

This day might bring with it the scalding sting of grief for the empty chair around a table.

It might come with choking regret for a relationship that has been horribly severed.

It might be a day of looking around at other mothers and other children, and feeling the unwelcome intrusion of jealousy that comes with comparison.

Consider this a love letter to you who are struggling today; you whose Mother’s Day experience might be rather bittersweet— or perhaps only bitter.

This is consent to feel fully the contents of your own heart without censorship.

If you are hurting; hurt.

May you feel permission to cry, to grieve, to be not alright.

May you relieve yourself of the burden of pretending everything is fine or faking stability or concealing the damage.

May you feel not a trace of guilt for any twinge of pain or anger that seizes you today, because it is your right to feel.

Above all though, may you find in your very sadness, the proof that your heart though badly broken, still works.

See your grief as the terrible tax on loving people well, and see your unquenched longing for something better as a reminder of the goodness within you that desires a soft place to land.

If on this Mother’s Day you are hurting, know that you are not alone.

May these words be the flowers that you wait for or the call that won’t come or the conversation that you can’t have or the reunion that has not yet arrived.

In your profound sadness, know that you are seen and heard and that you are more loved than you realize.

Be greatly encouraged today.

holland

looks like i'll be there any day now...
(not literally i'll explain later if anyone is really all that curious)

jbughvuiygfufv

still waiting

babymetal

i discovered this band thanks to youtube. logan is currently a bit obsessed. can't blame him. three girls, two of them 14, other one is 16, all very pretty. and loud music. enjoy ;)

interesting, too, is that they manage to stay fully dressed lol lyrics are tame as well according to translations. and damn but they make me want to dance ;).

faith restored

yep. faith in humanity restored a bit today. our checking account was in the red, like, by a LOT thanks to the car accident hence the decuctible then the vet bills for soap then the cell phone bill that i paid in time for hurricane sandy in case we lost power for extended periods etc and the time i missed at work with sick children. it was hovering around 1000. yep. yikes.
so i was trying to figure things out, omg it was awful. about to tuck my tail between my legs and beg my mom again.
then i thought, well, maybe i should ask the bank (okay it's a credit union) and see what they can do for me. maybe they can arrange a payment plan or something. doubtful given our credit, but maybe.
so i go after work. i'm shaking. terrified. i hadn't talked to mark because (as i tend to do because i'm a moron) i was trying to fix it before i told him. i didn't say i was smart sometimes.... but i digress.
so i go in. give my name. wait.
go in to see the vice president. of the whole effing bank (credit union). terror.
she's friendly. she looks up my account, prints out a history, and highlights the various fees. yep scary stuff. she asks why the account went into the red. i tell her. see above. she asks me to wait while she talks to someone. i'm thinking that she's going to get someone to close our account and garnish wages or something (i have no idea how that works but dang it, it seemed plausible to me.) and i look around the office and notice the various cat statues, count some plants, notice a container of bloodworms despite the lack of fish tank, notice a book on the shelf titled "it's okay to be the boss" and i have to wonder how long she's actually been a VP. i start thinking about her possible rise to power. i make crap up when i get bored. occupational hazard.
she comes back. she informs me how this one program works and that it can be broken up into four separate payments, and it will bring my account back up to zero. um, really? wow. oh and it's not a "technical" loan, there is no interest and it doesn't show on my credit report. just fixes the problem.
holy crap where do i sign up?
oh wait there's one more thing.
oh great here we go.
she slid a paper across the desk and says "i waived the fees."
"which ones?"
"all of them."
"all of them?"
"all of them."
"why?"
"you didn't spend the money on frivolous things, i can see that it went to bills. you and your husband both work. you have been with us for eight years and we've never had a problem. you were nothing but polite. and most of all, you didn't ask me to."
holy shit.
she got my "debt" down to 440 dollars. first payment of 110 due december 23rd.
because i was polite. and because i didn't ask her to.
holy SHIT.
because i was hoping for help but didnt' expect anything handed to me.
go figure.
faith restored. well played, universe. well played.

do you ever...

do you ever want to just tell someone "that's called life, so put on your big boy/girl undies and deal with it"
just sayin.